food chain detached

[machinery]

as a cockroach crawls
across a beech?s surfaced
roots, a gecko, with

tiny red speckles
springs, slamming the roach against
a root , the gecko?s

setae clasping. while
a cottonmouth slithers round
the tree?s trunk and snaps,

sinking its teeth in
the tail of the gecko. but,
a quick detach of

tail and the gecko
flees, the thorax of the roach
hanging from its mouth.

[Hannibal]

I don't care for the use of "teeth" when referring to the cottonmouth catching the gecko's tail.

When I think "teeth" I think big teeth, like canines, or human teeth "biting" something.

The image seems just a bit off when referencing a snake.

But it reminded me of a 30 second seen on discovery channel.
The kind where the narrator just gets quiet, then BOOM the action happens and is done, then the narrator picks up.

I liked it.

[machinery]

cockroach slowly crawls
across the roots of a beech.
red speckled gecko

springs, slamming the roach
against the roots of the beech;
gecko?s setae clasps.

cottonmouth slithers round
the beech?s trunk and snaps, fangs
snatching the gecko?s

tail, but detachment
allows amazing escape;
dead roach in its mouth.

[Kalyope]

I really like a lot of the changes made in your revision. I have to caution against the -ings again. I kinda miss the 'hanging' of the roach from the first edition though. I think that left a stronger image than just "dead roach in its mouth". Even so, I think the second version is a much stronger piece. Good changes.

[machinery]

okay, so if i put:

"roach hanging from mouth."

???

it was hard, because if you notice that each stanza is in fact a haiku.

and i wanted to end with nature in each of them.

also, in the first two stanzas (or haikus) the second lines are almost mirror images...i want to change those up, yet not lose the image.

let me know if you got any ideas.


thanks for the reply.

[Kalyope]

Maybe end with
"roach in gecko's mouth"
or "gecko's mouth roach-filled"
or "roach hangs from its mouth"
The last lines of the other stanzas all have gecko in them. I don't really like either of the options I gave you very much. I can't think of how to fit hanging in without losing the haiku aspect. The last line I gave was the closest I could get. Sorry I can't be of more help. Haikus aren't really my forte.

[machinery]

i'll see if i can't come up with another word for gecko, that way it isn't so prominent. something like reptile, lizard...

[machinery]

well now that i think about it, the gecko at the end of each line is nice. so maybe i need to include it, but then again, mentioning the roach, but not gecko signifies the title of the poem....bah!

but on another note: "the roots of the beech"

it is in the first two stanzas. kind of ugly and terribly redundant.

revision is a bitch, but also a goddess.

[parch]

why did you change this?
I know I've seen it at some point, so I hope I didn't tell you to change it also, 'cause I really like the original here.
I mean, the original really holds the attention of the reader.

I like the speckles, springs and slamming. in the slamming of the original I felt slamming
I feel no slamming now.
where is my slamming?

also, the gecko is a gecko. why make him a lizard or reptile? he is a gecko right?
I mean, is the collie a collie,
or a dog?

really good original here.
I'm becoming very happy I came back to check the board.

[machinery]

cockroach slowly crawls
across the roots of a beech.
red speckled gecko

springs, slamming the roach's
small throax against rough bark;
gecko?s setae clasps.

cottonmouth slithers round
the trunk and quickly snaps, fangs
snatching the gecko?s

tail, but detachment
allows amazing escape;
roach hanging from mouth.